It was then, standing naked barely covered by the thin wet towel wrapped around my waist that I realized what I thought I had become. The steam trickled along the mirror, engulfing the sharp cornered edges of the cabinet. Little drops ran down along my shoulders, down my neck soaking the tip of the towel dangling below my chest. I peered in the foggy mirror as if the blurred image would somehow prevent the hatred already beginning to form inside my heart. I looked down, imagining that when I looked up I would see something I could face now. That when I looked up I would be transformed and suddenly be how I wanted to look and feel. The steam began to fade and the face in the mirror became clearer in the passing minutes. I still hated what I saw, I could feel and notice every little flaw and imperfection, trapped under my disgusted gaze. I turned away with a deep disappointed sigh. Will I ever be able to see anything but a monster in the reflected image on the wall? My saddened heart remained hopeless.
I find myself wandering away from the sunrise in your eyes. Your fragile fingers slither into my hands like a guilty puppy with it’s tale between it’s legs. As if your hands are trying to be forgiven for the way they are entangled into mine. The orange sun beats down instantly colouring my skin a painted red. Blue of your eyes seems to waver, tiny waves beneath such bewildered eyes. I turn my face away out towards the crashing sounds of the waves against the sandy shore. Endless sounds around me seem to fade with each step I take towards the growing waves. Blue and greens join each other, mirroring the incandescent sunrise slipping between the clouds.
It’s hard to feel little cracks in my heart begin to appear, with the impulsive words you always seem to speak. Harsh words are spoken, and suddenly your heart is filled with sorrow. Watery eyes gaze at me in tormented guilt as if the words were daggers in your throat. So this is what you meant, when you said you were spent. This is what you meant when you looked me telling me I’m not the perfect girl. You looked at me and told me you cannot show my body of to your friends, you’re embarrassed my body isn’t everything you want it to be. Is it supposed to suddenly escape my mind, fly away with steady wind? Words flow into me molding themselves against the edges of my mind.
I can’t imagine being the only one sitting here feeling like it’s all going to suddenly end somehow. Suddenly something inside will find it’s way to snap again and the very pieces of people I hold on to with dear life will be the very parts that shatter any connection. I cannot imagine being the…
It’s weird to think that your love, that your words are helping me grow into the person I want to be. That the way you’ve treated me, the things you’ve criticized me for have now become the inspiration to reach my full potential. In this moment I feel more capable and confident then I have in a long. You have made me finally stand up for myself. I know who I am, I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I know where my passion and desire lies.
But it’s weird to think that despite this, despite you being one of the most influential people in my change and my growth, you may be one the people I find no longer weave into my life the right way. You may one of the people that won’t be able to appreciate me no matter how much I improve. Your love might be the reason why I find love for myself, and understand that the way you think about me, the imperfections you constantly try to work past when you look at me and think about me, you may be the one I let go. I may say goodbye.